Art of humor and lightness
Whenever my wife Jennie and I get together with our friends Michelle and Brian, there is a lot of laughter, fun, and plenty of good-natured teasing. Typically, Michelle characterizes Brian as too cruel, scary, or cold-hearted, and Brian says she is nonsensical and too sensitive. I remember feeling nervous hearing this back-and-forth when we got together for the first time. Now, though, I admire how skillful they joke with each other in front of us and other friends - pushing right up to each other’s boundaries, which lightens up the conversation with laughter and breaks down any awkward moments.
Jennie often criticizes me and teases me together with kids, but rarely in front of our friends. She says “Criticizing my husband in front of others is like spitting on myself. Why would I do that?” I respect her loyalty and the team spirit. At the same time, I hope that Jennie feels safe and relaxed enough to poke fun at me in front of close friends.
Why do I want my partner to make jokes at my expense? Because it is fun, it helps all of us connect more deeply. When I hear these jokes, which are always grounded in truth but approached with humor, I get to know my inconsistencies, my hypocrisies, without getting defensive. As a ridiculer, you will look at yourself before saying something. But, maybe the fact that I’m writing about it would be comical to some people who use self-deprecating humor in their daily lives.
The art of Brian and Michelle’s show comes from Brian’s ability to hear criticism without fear. His calmness and complete defenselessness often makes Michelle’s accusations look like jokes. Brian does not react with emotions either. Even when he argues back, he does so with deadpan humor. Another important skill to make the exchanges enjoyable is an ability to talk to each other lightly - in tone, not necessarily word choice. While Michelle is open about pointing to Brian’s flaws, she always does so with laughter and lightness rather than anger. And always, beneath the teasing and jokes, Brian and Michelle respect each other.
These are not the skills I’m good at. I have a hard time communicating messages lightly - intense is my de facto style of communication. I get defensive when Jennie misrepresents me even in a slight way. Would Jennie make fun of me more if I could be calmer, less defensive, and talk with less intensity? I think so.
How could we use these skills in corporate settings? When my colleagues criticize my work, my role, or me, can I turn these uncomfortable conversations into bearable, meaningful, and even humorous interactions by responding with humor balanced with respect? There is a fine line between being perceived incompetent and being humble. I hope more companies and leaders adopt the art of humor and lightness, which will help keep the conflict at a task level rather than escalating it into a relationship level conflict.