The Confident Mind
Based on a recommendation, I read the book “Confident Mind” by Nate Zinsser. Confidence, connected with executive presence, is an important topic for my executive coaching clients.
Some thoughts I took away from the book are:
Mind and body are connected. Of course, preparation matters. However, no matter how prepared you are, high confidence will improve your chance to perform better based on the given preparation you have.
To create confidence, you need to increase psychological bank account deposits by filtering out past setbacks and difficulties and affirming and imagining success, progress, and effort. The book suggests writing down success moments, daily logging of your effort, success, and progress, and reminding you of future image and affirmation regularly.
I have been skeptical about the idea of positive only thinking. This seemed too artificial and linear to me. “Is this really how we live?” was some of my inner resistance while reading it. However, when it comes to performing high stakes work, for example, giving a lecture or leading a large group workshop, through this book, I saw the value of bringing up confidence by filtering out negative thoughts and imagining my best possible performance using affirmation statements. Some of my clients who read the book really appreciated the concept and used many exercises for their big performance moments.
The Confident Mind concept reminds me of my father. I remember my father used his affirmation statement “I can do it (나는 할수 있어)“ in his daily routine. He said he repeated this statement everyday in the morning. He believed that through affirmations, he would be ready for the challenges with confidence and positive energy. He worked for a large Korean conglomerate for 40 years. He joined the company at the lowest rank right after college, moved up one by one in the corporate hierarchical ladder to the top and led three companies as a CEO and helped create much growth for the company and in people around him.
Yongro Song, my father in this mid 40s.
It seems that my father was in a hotel room in his business trip. He talked me about his multiple business trips to Houston, TX where he represented the company in the court testifying for a legal dispute between his company and another IT company in the US.
During my young adult period, he pushed me to be disciplined, aggressive, and positive. I started my career working at one of the companies in the same conglomerate in the last years of his tenure there. I felt fortunate to see the organizational environment and challenges he faced. Even from afar, I felt proud and nervous to hear about him from people who worked for and with him. I think he believed that his relentless application of “can do” and “positive” attitude helped him to achieve career success. One of the things he was known for was his leadership to drive for relentless change and improvement.
Only 3-4 years after his retirement, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. My family and some of his friends had been noticing his slowed movement for some time. In the first years of Parkinson’s, he used the same “I can do it” mindset to overcome the disease. He shared with us “The doctor said, regular and rigorous exercise can slow the progress. I will work so hard so that I can live as long as I would without the disease.” One hot summer day in 2018 while exercising outside he collapsed. He quickly became immobile and not communicative. From then on, there were not so many moments of real connections with him until he passed away in 2022.
Unfortunately, my father couldn’t really pass the stage of denial upon being diagnosed with Parkinson’s. He refused to let others know about his condition for many years. He felt that having a disease like Parkinson’s could signal weakness. Still feeling despair, I am afraid, in his last years, he didn’t see his life as something to celebrate even though many of his colleagues and mentees visited him often and shared their gratitude. He focused his attention mostly on fighting Parkinson’s. I am wondering if his lifelong “can do” attitude kept him from being connected to reality and how to accept this big challenge.
I have been thinking that I can be living a fulfilled life when I appreciate complexities and nuance in many aspects of our lives - relationships, pursuit of career goals, desire for recognition, etc. My reflection and appreciation of multiple perspectives are the sources of my courage and deeper connection, which are my two values. I am wondering if my father suppressed what he saw as weak thinking to compete and succeed at work. I am wondering if he and I have more in common. I wish I had talked to him about this. I didn't really know his soft and sensitive side until his retirement. What would I do if I were in his shoes in the 1960s to 90s in South Korea where economic growth was considered the most important matter individually and as a member of family and society?
What nuanced thoughts and memories the “Confident Mind” brings up.
So what do I take from this? I would like to try to have “Confident Mind” without losing my strength in “holding complexities”. For my new experiment, I am using my affirmation statements prior to my lectures and large group coaching sessions. I think this helps.
I am an energetic, fun lecturer
I am calm, grounded, flexible and strong
I explain concepts clearly with stories
I am open-minded, firm, and smiling when I face difficult situations as this is a great opportunity to learn