Reviewing: Thanks for the feedback by Stone, Heen
My impressions: I have consumed numerous resources and delved extensively into feedback in coaching (both giving and receiving), but in all of my research this book stands out. It delves into the inner workings of our minds, revealing the psychological blocks that hinder effective feedback. Several topics resonated deeply, prompting me to re-evaluate how I approach receiving all forms of feedback and delivering constructive feedback for others. The authors says that receiving feedback is a leadership skill. I agree with that. Highly recommended as a more nuanced resource following Kim Scott's "Radical Candor." Additionally, the author's book "Difficult Conversations" is another valuable read.
Key messages: These are three that most resonate with me
The three types of feedback: "Appreciation" focuses on the desire to be seen and understood, confirming "my existence and efforts are valued." "Coaching" aims to improve knowledge, skills, and navigate challenges, guiding us in a more positive direction. "Evaluation" provides a status update, often containing judgment. All three are essential. Confusion arises when we anticipate one type and receive another. As a feedback provider, considering the recipient's expectation enhances effectiveness.
Overcoming obstacles to receiving feedback: There are three triggers that work as obstacles in receiving feedback - triggers the book terms Truth, Relationship, and Identify. I related my behavior to relationship triggers. Feedback can be colored by the giver-receiver dynamic, leading to reactions based on our perception of the person delivering it. Our focus shifts from the content itself to questioning the giver's audacity, sometimes discarding the feedback even before understanding them due to relationship triggers. The book offers strategies to minimize relationship triggers and prioritize learning from the feedback itself.
“Switchtracking defeats feedback”: When receiving feedback from someone with whom we have a history, we may unintentionally shift the subject rather than engaging with the person and the feedback. This is called "switchtracking conversations." For example, a wife may express dislike for roses received by her husband, who then counters with, "you should have thanked me first." While this might seem like a logical response, it deflects the initial feedback, “You know I hate roses. Why did you bring rose to me?” Unidentified switchtracking leads to arguments and hinders addressing either issue. Recognizing this pattern is crucial. It's not that the husband's perspective is unimportant, but both issues (the original feedback and the other person's view) deserve separate attention. I personally fall prey to this pattern quite often, leaving me feeling confused and tricked when being switchtracked. Sometimes, only after the conversation do I realize I've switchtracked out of feeling hurt and unfairness.
Implications: This book has shed light on past situations that previously left me perplexed. Moments where I had questions like "what just happened?" and "why am I hurt by this feedback?" plagued me. The newfound clarity empowers me to revisit those confusing moments in my career and extract valuable lessons.
Resources:
Video of Sheila Heen and Doug Stone about key messages of the book