Reviewing: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
My impression: This is a practical guide book on interpersonal relationships. It is like participating in a workshop or being in a lecture. It is a dry book. Even with its dryness, I couldn’t stop reading it because the key messages are so resonating, compelling and helpful. I highly recommend this to anyone, especially to people who would like to improve their relationships with others and their own confidence in handling difficult situations.
Key messages: There are several key messages that resonated with me. My top three messages are:
In daily conversations, we tend to share our evaluations, especially our moral judgment on others without thinking too much. For example, we say “You always blame me”. Both “always” and “blame” are not observable behavior and can lead to unnecessary defensiveness of the other. When we share our thoughts about others, it would be more effective to share observable behavior for the others to hear our point of view.
Empathy is a powerful tool for connection and reducing existing tension. A specific approach to being empathetic in the book is using is to guess and understand others’ feelings and unmet needs (e.g., "When I came home late last night, did you feel lonely and disconnected because your need for connection wasn't met?"). By asking these questions, the other can react by sharing their feelings and needs. By sharing feelings and needs, both can get close to finding a solution.
I am responsible for my own emotions. Others are responsible for their emotions. We make impacts on each other in our words. But “You made me mad”, “You make me feel guilty” is not a healthy way of understanding how the relationship works. The same people who lost their loved ones in tragic accidents, even with similar intensity of feeling, react differently. One can choose to blame the situation and the attacker for his/her life. One can choose to devote energy to support the community.
Implications: I use the learning from this book every day. It has improved my ability to talk in difficult situations. One of my coaching clients who found it useful shared this book and resource with more than 10 people in his close contacts. When I don’t think too much about my conversation with other people, I tend to use more judgment, I tend not to share my feelings and needs. By consciously focusing on observable behavior, and expressing my own feelings and needs, I've seen a significant decrease in defensiveness and an increase in open communication.
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